Imminent Cat-astrophe

Meow here we see a cat, purr-fectly perched upon a nightstand. Cats are known for their ability to sleep anywhere and their complete disregard for the belongings or puss-onal space of others, a fur-some combination. The catnap was clearly named for good reasons. However, felines also have a hiss-tory of being wrathful creatures, a demeanor their fluffy exterior does not accurately paw-tray. Attempt to wake a napping kitty, whether they are snoozing soundly on the floor or have just recently decided your forehead looked like a pretty mice place to chill, and you are asking for bit. A feline that needs to be awoken can’t be pla-cat-ed, one must simply deal with a furry im-pet-iment wherever it may be, or suffer a few decent flesh wounds. We here at Cat Texts, upon receiving this picture, feared our Real Life Cat Lady might be claws to waking the dozing kitty. We responded with urgent warnings, tails of horror, and in-depth cat-tistics on 2011 deaths-by-cat nationwide, but she thought we were kitten. We yarn-nt fe-lyin’ when we say we expect that fluffy and innocent façade to disappear someday… likely in a bloody massacre.

A Leafy Green Menace

A leafy green menace is stalking the cat world, ready to pounce on unsuspecting cats all to eager to experiment. We know what you’re thinking, and no, it isn’t Dennis the Menace in camo with a sling shot. And no, it isn’t the Jolly Green Giant either. This threat to the well-being of cats everywhere is Nepeta cataria. “Now come on Cat Texts,” you may be asking, “what in tarnation is that?” Dear reader, you may recognize this substance by several of its more common street names: cat nip, catswort, or cat mint. Cats, driven by their innate curiousity, are allured by the sensual and highly enjoyable hallucinations this substances brings on. Easily procured at various drug rings, or “pet stores”, this narcotic makes cats unaware of everyday life. For a species so unconcerned with how the real world works anyway, this combination can be devastating. Note how these cats stare off into the distance, no doubt startled by some innocuous sound, eyes wide with concern. No wonder Marx called catnip “the opiate of the cats.” We here at Cat Texts alerted Real Life Lady to the dangers this “Cat Nip” poses, but she seemed unperturbed, and even insisted on placating her cats with a weekly indulgence of the stuff.

The Ancients

Man has always been fascinated with those who have come before.  The mysteries of the ancients capture the imagination and show us new ways to live, think, believe, and explore. Through the experiences of older generations, we learn what it means to live on this earth, to call this place our home. It was our pleasure then, when Real Life Lady showed us the Cats Who Came Before, Ben and Callie. While we at Cat Texts may have fun with the images we are sent, we also realize that these cats bring joy to their “owners”.  And so, in simple memoriam, we present these images to you, both of Ben and Callie, who are the Cats Who Came Before, and who, for perhaps a brief time in this world, were, and indeed still are, reminders of the good and joy in the world.

An Offering

Ritual sacrifice. Blood offering. The giving up of a living being to a higher power or purpose. Sadly, in modern society the good old-fashioned spilling of blood to the gods to ensure the crops grew and your high priest had some company sailing down the river of the afterlife has become a lost art. So, when we here at Cat Texts realized the gift that we have been given, the fertile field of a female friend infatuated with felines, we wanted to ensure that this plot would continue reaping the bountiful crop it had blessed us with so far. And so, as anyone would do, we sketched a picture of an adorable little kitty toying with some string, and offered it to our provider as a token of our eternal gratitude.

With words that echoed the deities of ages past, and will undoubtedly reverberate in eons to come, she responded with “Awwww it’s got a lil ball of yarn! I wanna put it on my fridge.”

And the harvest was abundant.

Cats: Aloof Before It Was Cool

Cats, it has been said, are the hipsters of the animal world. Experts point to cat markings resembling thick-rimmed glasses and long whiskers like ironic mustaches as evidence for the cat/hipster hypothesis. Condescending, distrustful, and fond of listening to themselves shriek in the middle of the night, traits present in all hipsters, they can be tiresome housemates. Therefore, we at Cat Texts became dubious when our Real Life Lady informed us she had adopted another cat. Surely the new addition to her family would rebel and the house would lie in shambles. But, we were pleased to find out, this was not the case! How, then, can the owner of a cat quickly and effectively establish a status quo with his or her new hipster housemate? A difficult question, but one that our Real Life Lady has solved.

The answer is simple. Placate the cat with jeans. Cats and hipsters take an innate pleasure in fashion, especially a good pair of skinny jeans. By placing her feline companion next to her pair of jeans, our Real Life Lady let the cat know that this home is one where the cat’s fashion needs will be addressed. The presence of the quirky purple and pink handbag also eased the cat in, saying “Fear not! Your questionable and sometimes clashing stylistic needs will not go without notice. You will be safe here!” And, in the end, isn’t that the thing we all really want?

Mona Lisa Cat

Mona Lisa’s smile has been a point of debate for the art world for centuries. Just ask that one movie with Kirsten Dunst and Julia Roberts. What is ole’ Lisa smiling about? Is she hiding something? Is she pregnant? Does she know what you did last summer? Or is that smile merely the smile of a woman who just broke wind and knows that everyone else knows it was her? The world may never know.

Likewise, this cat’s face contains many secrets. Do her eyes say “I want you in a fiercely sexual way”? Does her look exude malice? Or is she simply annoyed at the human Lady who snapped this photo? We don’t know, but if we had to guess, it’s probably the one about killing.

Welcome to Cat Texts

If there is one thing we know about Internet, it’s that Internet loves cats. If there is another thing we know about Internet, it’s that Internet loves the ladies. Attempts to combine Internet’s two loves, however, have often led to disaster. Furries? No thanks. Bestiality? Weird. Also, disgusting. That one lady who loves cats on eHarmony? Off-settling. And that’s about it. Internet has really dropped the ball on the cats and ladies issue. Cat Texts has picked up that ball, said fuck it, and threw that ball cross court into the hoop that is Internet gold. Here at Cat Texts, you get commentary on Real Cat Texts that were sent from a Real Life Lady. And that’s about it. We don’t like to get too crazy.