Feline Overlords

It may be surprising for readers not enslaved by a cat master to discover that roughly 1/3 of cat slaves (known in some circles as “humans”) are aware their cat can read minds. To those that are fortunate enough to have a feline lording over them, this comes as no shock at all. How else could they know every time the can opener is about to come out, every time a vet appointment gets scheduled? CATNIP! Did you notice your cat’s ears perk up when you read that silently to yourself? That’s right…. they hear all. And now they know you know. And now they know that you know that they know that you know. There’s no escape.

However, a slightly lesser known fact is that cats also possess the ability to control the minds of their knaves. We here at Cat Texts were lucky enough to receive a rare picture taken during a mind control session. We’re not entirely sure what our Real Life Cat Lady was made to do during this session, as her memory goes black for about 22 minutes after snapping this picture, but if we had to guess we would check her pantry for a tuna shortage.

That being said, we are fortunate this picture survived long enough to be sent to us. It’s a remarkable example of the power felines hold over us measly humans. Look at the cocked head, the unbroken gaze, the silent intensity present in those bottomless……shimmering……. pupils……. It’s almMEOWost like it can see MEOWinto MEOW soul. MEOW. imgonnagogetsomecatnipandthenrubupagainstsomelegsandthentakeanapandthenlickmyselfuntilithrowup

Whoa… that was weird. Who the hell typed that? Where’d the last half hour go?

An Offering

Ritual sacrifice. Blood offering. The giving up of a living being to a higher power or purpose. Sadly, in modern society the good old-fashioned spilling of blood to the gods to ensure the crops grew and your high priest had some company sailing down the river of the afterlife has become a lost art. So, when we here at Cat Texts realized the gift that we have been given, the fertile field of a female friend infatuated with felines, we wanted to ensure that this plot would continue reaping the bountiful crop it had blessed us with so far. And so, as anyone would do, we sketched a picture of an adorable little kitty toying with some string, and offered it to our provider as a token of our eternal gratitude.

With words that echoed the deities of ages past, and will undoubtedly reverberate in eons to come, she responded with “Awwww it’s got a lil ball of yarn! I wanna put it on my fridge.”

And the harvest was abundant.

Bubble Cats

If there is one blatantly obvious fact about cats, it is that they entirely lack the concept of a personal bubble. There are few things more unnerving than when a cat decides that you are doing nothing important and they must hop on your lap and immediately display their anus. It is a nearly universal life experience to be tripped up by a cat with an unnatural attraction to your ankles. Science has tried to explain this lack of boundaries, yet has only found failure. It seems to be that for cats, the world is their bubble.

What most people fail to realize is that felines’ lack of social skills also exist within their own species. There is no word for “awkward” in Meow, no translation for “too close for comfort.” Here at Cat Texts, it took a blatantly obvious example from our Real Life Cat Lady of this for the realization to truly hit home. Take a minute to look at the excessive amount of clumsiness contained in this single photograph. This is NOT the adorable snuggle session it appears to be. Note the awkward position relative to each other the cats have taken, with one resting her head either on the other’s bony knee or lower navel. Oblivious to this fact, cat number two takes her left arm and extends it directly across the other’s face, bending her neck awkwardly and essentially blinding her. Yet, neither cat moves. Rather, they both look entirely relaxed, like they’ve been in the knot of furry flesh for an extended amount of time. No, this is a complete lack of social understanding. And you thought the close talker at work was bad…

Shakespeare’s Warnings

Shakespeare’s 76th Sonnet

Two cats, both alike in laziness,

in a comfy catbed, where we lay our scene.

From ancient worship to household pet,

where civil life makes civil cats ill at ease.

From forth the fatal claws of these felines,

a pair of star-crossed cutmarks appear atwixt the face

Whose misadventured piteous overthrows

Do with their clawing end their master’s advances.

Leave it to the Bard of Avon to capture the duplicitous and contrary nature of the cat. Here we see Real Life Lady’s cats peacefully asleep in their bed. OR ARE THEY? (Protip: They aren’t.) Cats don’t sleep, they only plan. Why would you need to sleep when you just laze about all day? What appears to be two snug as a bug in a rug cat-friends could actually be a meeting of the minds, planning how early to awake their master come next morn. Or they could be plotting to eat a bunch of grass the next day so they can throw it up all over the freshly laundered clothes that  just need to be put away. We here at Cat Texts alerted Real Life Lady to this potential danger and the words of the Bard, but she merely responded to our entreaties with an enigmatic “:)”.

Cats: Aloof Before It Was Cool

Cats, it has been said, are the hipsters of the animal world. Experts point to cat markings resembling thick-rimmed glasses and long whiskers like ironic mustaches as evidence for the cat/hipster hypothesis. Condescending, distrustful, and fond of listening to themselves shriek in the middle of the night, traits present in all hipsters, they can be tiresome housemates. Therefore, we at Cat Texts became dubious when our Real Life Lady informed us she had adopted another cat. Surely the new addition to her family would rebel and the house would lie in shambles. But, we were pleased to find out, this was not the case! How, then, can the owner of a cat quickly and effectively establish a status quo with his or her new hipster housemate? A difficult question, but one that our Real Life Lady has solved.

The answer is simple. Placate the cat with jeans. Cats and hipsters take an innate pleasure in fashion, especially a good pair of skinny jeans. By placing her feline companion next to her pair of jeans, our Real Life Lady let the cat know that this home is one where the cat’s fashion needs will be addressed. The presence of the quirky purple and pink handbag also eased the cat in, saying “Fear not! Your questionable and sometimes clashing stylistic needs will not go without notice. You will be safe here!” And, in the end, isn’t that the thing we all really want?

Mona Lisa Cat

Mona Lisa’s smile has been a point of debate for the art world for centuries. Just ask that one movie with Kirsten Dunst and Julia Roberts. What is ole’ Lisa smiling about? Is she hiding something? Is she pregnant? Does she know what you did last summer? Or is that smile merely the smile of a woman who just broke wind and knows that everyone else knows it was her? The world may never know.

Likewise, this cat’s face contains many secrets. Do her eyes say “I want you in a fiercely sexual way”? Does her look exude malice? Or is she simply annoyed at the human Lady who snapped this photo? We don’t know, but if we had to guess, it’s probably the one about killing.

Welcome to Cat Texts

If there is one thing we know about Internet, it’s that Internet loves cats. If there is another thing we know about Internet, it’s that Internet loves the ladies. Attempts to combine Internet’s two loves, however, have often led to disaster. Furries? No thanks. Bestiality? Weird. Also, disgusting. That one lady who loves cats on eHarmony? Off-settling. And that’s about it. Internet has really dropped the ball on the cats and ladies issue. Cat Texts has picked up that ball, said fuck it, and threw that ball cross court into the hoop that is Internet gold. Here at Cat Texts, you get commentary on Real Cat Texts that were sent from a Real Life Lady. And that’s about it. We don’t like to get too crazy.