Draw me like one of your French cats…
What’s this?! Has Real Life Lady finally snapped? Was the most recent hairball in the laundry basket the final straw? It appears we have been sent evidence of what could be a vicious throttling of an innocent little kitty. But why is the oppressed feline taking this assault without struggle? We here at Cat Texts have a theory….
First off, cats are well aware they are the most important thing in the world. If nothing else is clear in life, it is that they are the center of our vast universe. They know that Real Life Lady is psychologically incapable of doing them any real harm, as they are the light that keeps her ship’s course steadfast in the stormy sea of life. Without them, the rocks would crush her hull and send her to the bottom of the murky depths. However, this does not apply to just our Real Life Lady and her masters. Rather, every cat knows the power they hold over our measly race. Just think of a world without cats………… Now stop, because it’s horrifying. The thought of the elderly woman down the street without Spots, Tinkle, Buttons, Muffin, Mr. Sprinkles, Cutie, Methuselah, Lady, Reginald, Captain Fuzzyface, and ol’ One-Eyed Joe to keep her company is unbearable. And they know it. They watch us constantly, scooping up their accumulated refuse from the week and disposing of it, spending our money on food for them, insisting on running our hands through their delightfully soft fur, writing extensive blog posts about pictures of them…..dammit.
But back to the moral of the story. We couldn’t live without them, and so they know that they can lay back, endure the brief discomfort of a hand on their throat, and then go lay a steaming deuce on your pillow in retribution.
Cats can sleep anywhere, dear reader. It really isn’t even fair. Sometimes we at Cat Texts would like to doze off on the floor of a library. Sometimes we get tired at work and just need a little nap. Sometimes we want to fall asleep in class but have it still look like we are awake. Alas, we cannot. The Powers That Be have decreed that this natural longing is not acceptable. Indeed, some even go so far to label it as immoral. The Church calls our need for naps “sloth” and counts it among the Seven Deadly Sins.
Oh ho! But the humble housecat faces no such dilemma. Here we see our two feline subjects asleep clearly during the day. Notice the sunlight streaming down onto their curled bodies. Notice their location: perched on top of a couch. No, not on it, but on that bit of the couch where the cushion meets the back. Who even does that? How slothful! How lazy!
No doubt Real Life Lady photographed her two delinquents in order to gather a body of evidence to stage some sort of intervention. We at Cat Texts laud her noble efforts, but must warn her that she is doomed for failure. And yet, how we would like to join them… Just for like… 15 minutes… yeah, *yaaawwnn* 15 minutes should be good…
Has Real Life Lady caught her two cats in an amorous tryst? Are these two cats embracing in an act of love? Should we alert TMZ to a possible new cat couple on the scene? The answers are simple. No, no, and who the hell even goes on TMZ?
Far from a saucy romance, what Real Life Lady has captured here is actually one of the least understood and least studied of all cat phenomena: a cat’s need for hugs. Cats need hugs almost constantly. Is your cat on your keyboard? Give it a hug. Does your cat keep rubbing against your legs? Hug that little bastard like there’s no tomorrow. Is your cat on a fencepost in the middle of the night, caterwauling like mad? What he or she is saying is please hugthe living daylights out of me. In the absence of human huggers, cats turn to one another to satisfy their insatiable lust.
But, dear reader, you may be wondering, why hugs? Scientists aren’t sure. Some think it has to do with stimulating the production of natural oils that keep a cat’s hair clean and smooth. We don’t really know, and frankly, we don’t care. We just like hugging cats.
Meow here we see a cat, purr-fectly perched upon a nightstand. Cats are known for their ability to sleep anywhere and their complete disregard for the belongings or puss-onal space of others, a fur-some combination. The catnap was clearly named for good reasons. However, felines also have a hiss-tory of being wrathful creatures, a demeanor their fluffy exterior does not accurately paw-tray. Attempt to wake a napping kitty, whether they are snoozing soundly on the floor or have just recently decided your forehead looked like a pretty mice place to chill, and you are asking for bit. A feline that needs to be awoken can’t be pla-cat-ed, one must simply deal with a furry im-pet-iment wherever it may be, or suffer a few decent flesh wounds. We here at Cat Texts, upon receiving this picture, feared our Real Life Cat Lady might be claws to waking the dozing kitty. We responded with urgent warnings, tails of horror, and in-depth cat-tistics on 2011 deaths-by-cat nationwide, but she thought we were kitten. We yarn-nt fe-lyin’ when we say we expect that fluffy and innocent façade to disappear someday… likely in a bloody massacre.
A leafy green menace is stalking the cat world, ready to pounce on unsuspecting cats all to eager to experiment. We know what you’re thinking, and no, it isn’t Dennis the Menace in camo with a sling shot. And no, it isn’t the Jolly Green Giant either. This threat to the well-being of cats everywhere is Nepeta cataria. “Now come on Cat Texts,” you may be asking, “what in tarnation is that?” Dear reader, you may recognize this substance by several of its more common street names: cat nip, catswort, or cat mint. Cats, driven by their innate curiousity, are allured by the sensual and highly enjoyable hallucinations this substances brings on. Easily procured at various drug rings, or “pet stores”, this narcotic makes cats unaware of everyday life. For a species so unconcerned with how the real world works anyway, this combination can be devastating. Note how these cats stare off into the distance, no doubt startled by some innocuous sound, eyes wide with concern. No wonder Marx called catnip “the opiate of the cats.” We here at Cat Texts alerted Real Life Lady to the dangers this “Cat Nip” poses, but she seemed unperturbed, and even insisted on placating her cats with a weekly indulgence of the stuff.
Man has always been fascinated with those who have come before. The mysteries of the ancients capture the imagination and show us new ways to live, think, believe, and explore. Through the experiences of older generations, we learn what it means to live on this earth, to call this place our home. It was our pleasure then, when Real Life Lady showed us the Cats Who Came Before, Ben and Callie. While we at Cat Texts may have fun with the images we are sent, we also realize that these cats bring joy to their “owners”. And so, in simple memoriam, we present these images to you, both of Ben and Callie, who are the Cats Who Came Before, and who, for perhaps a brief time in this world, were, and indeed still are, reminders of the good and joy in the world.
Two felines chill out in the sun, bathing
And thinking of the tuna they’re craving.
Oh to be the lucky cat, not a care
Or worry but the ball of scratchy hair
About to be dislodged. No man could know
The joy of living each day in a slow
And peaceful manner, though everyone covets
The life of our much beloved house pets.
Sleeping for hours whenever they wish to,
Feasting on prepared food, and cann’d fish too.
But if we were to be like our cat friends,
Lazing and lolling until our life ends,
Who would provide for the self-serving cat?
No one would, and cats would not go for that.
So life will not change, and what a pity,
For each man wishes to be a kitty.
It’s no secret here at Cat Texts of the powerful forces cats wield over humans. Our last post discussed in detail some of their abilities. We have reason to believe, however, that far in the past, cats may have been even stronger in their arcane and mystical powers of suggestion and coercion.
Ancient Egyptians, it is widely known, revered these cats as protectors and guardians. They lavished cats with gifts, food, jewels, gold, catnip, first-born children and other such goods as the cats required. They even mummified cats and gave them special places of honor in their sacred tombs and pyramids. Egyptian art is rife with felines in positions of honor and control. But like all great civilizations, Egypt civilization fell to the ravages of war and time. With its decline, so too did cats have a fall from grace. No longer the decadent and worshipped animals of Egyptian religion, they became mere ratters or formed colorful musical groups (as the documentary The Aristocats attests), forced to work for food.
Cats, however, have never forgotten what it means to be top dog, to truly reign as living gods. Cat mothers, or queens, as those familiar with animal taxonomy call them, pass these tales of glory and history down to their kittens, in the hopes that one day cats may again take their rightful place on the Lap of the Gods.
Is it any wonder, then, that cats today long for the glory of yesteryear? Our Real Life Lady sent us this picture of her cat resting on a pillow, or so it would seem. We here at Cat Texts see a different story altogether. The cat reclines on what it imagines as a glorious palanquin, no doubt carried by a retinue of human slaves. Her eyes stare off, glimpsing a future in which she once again can reign as queen not only in name but in function. One can almost hear the throngs of people who watch this mighty cat as it parades down the street above the heads of mere mortals. Alas, or perhaps fortunately for we humans, this is not the case. Her pillow is simply a pillow, and we owe little more allegiance than a meal at night and a pet behind the ear.
At least, for now.
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